After years of participating in Open Studios, I have come to believe the Open Studios Goddess demands a blood sacrifice every year. 

 
In my earliest years, this would usually occur during the framing process while cutting mats, now having lost count of the number of sliced fingers I’ve suffered.  These sacrifices of course happened when a new, very sharp Exacto blade had been installed.  Nothing but the best for the Goddess!  If I managed to NOT bleed on a white mat, I was happy.  My left index finger suffered slices on the outside edge while holding a straightedge - that little side pad just hanging over a bit.  Not a biggie - just rinse with hydrogen peroxide, goop with a little dab of betadine ointment, and tape it together.  Amazing how these things heal!  I’m beginning to think my index finger is like a starfish, regenerating a new appendage when needed.  I am now extra cautious with my blades (and fingers). 

 
This hasn’t kept the Goddess from extracting blood, though, with sharp glass edges abounding, frayed hanging wires (Boy!  Those ends are pokey!), and lethal wood splinters.  So okay, this year, I made it through most of the matting process without slicing off a body part. The OS Goddess took note, and waited patiently until I was removing staples from an old frame, lost my grip on the dang staple, and skewered the pad of my thumb with the needle nose pliers.  They’re called “needle nose” for a reason.  My old tube of betadine ointment is almost gone.  Plenty of peroxide and bandaids, though. My sacrifice for this year has been extracted in full.

Professor Robert J. Thornton of the Economics Department at the Lehigh University notes that job candidates often see reference letters and sometimes sue the writers.  For this reason, he has developed the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous Recommendations, or LIAR, to convey unfavorable information in a format that needn’t be construed as negative.  Here are a few examples:

To describe a candidate who is woefully inept:
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

To describe a candidate who had difficulty getting along with fellow workers:
“I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.

To describe a candidate with lackluster credentials:
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
 
To describe a candidate who is not particularly industrious:
“In my opinion you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
 
To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the position would be better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for this job.”

To describe a candidate who is not worth further consideration:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”

A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

"How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyonehere ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said `goats`."

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs for breakfast? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

'Would you like a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra... I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fucking starving!'

I love to share humor.  If I see something that makes me laugh, I will share it with you.  I used to send out email jokes to several hundred people each day.  And now that is a bit spotty, so I thought I'd try sharing humor & art via my Blog.  Please be warned that much of the humor I love is not politically correct, often it is down and dirty.  If you are easily offended, you probably don't want to subscribe to my blog. 

I will not blog cute baby or pet photos, unless they are so funny I've wet my pants laughing.

A joke a day keeps the doctor away!